The Santa Clause

Dear Santa Claus,

Something's gone wrong.
Our merry's been paused.
It's wrecked your songs.
The cheerful ring
Of your sleighbells
Is not "a thing".
There are no elves.
We've tried to fill
Your boots and failed.
We need cheer pills.
Our sleighs have sailed.
I know you planned
On one year off,
But understand,
We aren't enough.
You are the one
We're wishing for.
Santa, please run
To all our doors.
You need not shimmy
Down our chimneys
To grant the wishes
Which no one else sees.
We can help out,
But lead the way!
It's time you got
Back on your sleigh.
Think ho-ho-ho
And ring the reindeer.

Your friend,
Moe-Joe (and the other sad folks here)

Copyright © 2018 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.

Friday Photo Fun - Something Soft

Something Soft

by Rachel Hoyt

Loved by people who have gone crazy

or taken drugs until their vision is hazy

because it's soothing to touch and pet

(though if caught doing that you may feel regret).

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.

Technorati Tags: Game, Abstract Photo, Rhyme, Humor, Guess, Poetry

Friday Photo Fun is when I share a randomly captured moment,
or perhaps a photo experiment with more purposeful intent,
then pair it with a rhyming riddle to exercise your mind
and teach you more weird facts to which you once were blind.

After the answer is guessed, I will post a second, non-abstract photo...

and just in case you wanted to know,
the first is not a photoshopped version of the second -
they're shot using different techniques that to me beckon.


No one guessed the full answer, padded walls,
but Wanda knew velvety things are soft like paws.

The Mustached Horse

Image by Michael Marcol via freedigitalphotos.net

I never thought I would see

a mustache on a horsey.

Tom Selek meets Mister Ed

is something I would have said

did not exist in this world,

especially colored and curled,

but in Britain lives Alfie

and a mustached horse is he.

© Rachel Hoyt 2011.  All rights reserved.

Technorati Tags: Entertainment, Horse, Mustache, Humor, Britain, Poetry

Penguin Giggle

Recently I got a good giggle

watching this little penguin wiggle.

My dad and brother often tickled me

when little and it crippled me

while also filling me with glee

and minor fear that I would pee.

This penguin seems to know that feeling.

What a rare joy to hear his squealing!

© Rachel Hoyt 2011.  All rights reserved.

My NaPoWriMo  poem #23

Thank you, Jingle, for the Magical Butterfly Award.

 

Be More Gay

by Rachel Hoyt


       Image by Salvatore Vuono via freedigitalphoto.net

Every day, I'm reminded in some way
that we, including me, should try to be
more gay (and not in the sexual way).

The Amish know small pleasures can be so
great for the soul.  Casserole and a stroll?
Who wants to go? Eenie meeny miny mo.

Brief brain breaks are so important to take
because it just may, be during the stray
your brain makes a fabulous non-mistake.

This mantra is the raison d'etre
I can smile for a while as is my style -
try extra on the tense end of the spectra.

Its hardest to not try your gosh darn best
when you're confused or your ego is bruised.
The real test, is can you take a smile rest?

When you're at work frustrated by some jerk
who's slow and must show you stuff that you know,
zone out the twerp -- find a comedic perk.

If your keys are lost, rather than accost
those near with fear to make sure they appear
'cuz memories get crossed when stressfully sloshed...

Calm yourself down and wipe off that sad frown.
Briefly, discretely, forget completely -
laugh at a clown or walk around the town.

Smiles are everywhere.  Choose them if you dare.
You just may find your mind likes to unwind
and to be fair helps your nerves not to ware.

Days are easier when life's cheesier.
Brains smoothly sail through hail without fail
when you're giddier than when snippier.

So, spread happiness today like it's childs play.
Give a double hand wave to your friend Dave.
Just be more gay (no, not the sexual way).

© Rachel Hoyt 2011

Want your links to be part of a rhyme?
Join the Smiley Sociology Study while there's still time!

This rhyme is being shared via Poetry Pantry #29 and One Shot Poetry Week 29.
Head to these great poetry forums if you have more reading time.

Technorati Tags: Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing

Barrel of Monkeys Driving Test

A little while back on a day trip to the wineries,
I invented a new safe driver type test.
My designated driver had a barrel of monkeys,
just hanging on my car seat... 'cuz they're the best!
So I hung those cute little red monkeys, four in a row.
Said we'd whine if they swung wild or fell down below.
One monkey fell after several hours of watching,
but it was while navigating a bumpy dirt road.
I must say, they don't slow much from the factory notching,
and there was never a risk we'd implode.

Since then I've been thinking on this subject more.
The idea could be used for fun field sobriety exams.
I think policemen would absolutely adore...
childhood games played by drunk dudes and madames.
Jenga and Pin the Tail on the Donkey might be a little tough,
but Twister, Operation, or Charades would be even more rough.
Perhaps for April Fool's day some precinct will try...
by the power of Chief Wiggum, I hope they do.
Of course, for their prank to successfully fly,
they'll need permission to slightly harass me and you.

I would think Pictionary game night at a dive bar,
is likely to draw a decent sized crowd.
Of course those who don't like it would run far,
because Pictionary players can get pretty loud.
Or, you might be able to increase daytime payouts,
with card tower creation or domino pattern layouts.
I think you'd be surprised who would enjoy,
the chance to relive memories of being a child.
Most men like the chance to act like a boy;
the ability to feel like they're really getting wild.

I, for one, will always remember that special day,
when we invented the barrel of monkeys driving test.
No worry or care could get in our way.
We were living in the moment and forgetting the rest.
Ok... so, perhaps the wine influenced the monkeys hanging in a row.
Then again, we were sober when inventing Early Morning Merlot.
I'm just the type who finds great joy in little things;
and have even more fun making fun of myself.
Mischief... oh the joy it brings.
Hard to leave it on the shelf.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

Do you want your blog link to appear within a rhyme?
Participate in a Smiley Sociology Study sometime.  :o)

This rhyme is being shared on One Stop Poetry. 
Head over there if more poetry you wish to see.
It's also a part of the Poetry Potluck on Reflections and Musings,
head over there to find more poetry worth perusing.
Technorati Tags:

Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing

Poor Randy Boy

One morning my radio spoke of squatters in Montecito,
and at first I thought the idea sounded quite neato.
Many estates in the area aren't lived in year round...
wonder how long I could live there before being found?

Then came the twist...  it's Randy and Evi Quaid!?!
In the guest house where their friends one stayed?
If they truly still own it, why not stay in the main house?
Also, no estate owner I know is as dirty as a louse.

Since then, the story has spread for all the world to see,
as he seeks asylum like a critter hiding in a tree.
But since I think publicity is what he really wants to get...
here's an O Danny Boy rewrite I hope you'll never forget.

------------------------------------------------------------

Poor Randy boy, the courts, the courts are calling,
Santa Barbara's not taking his side.
So now he's gone... to Canada ran crying.
Hollywood star whackers made him run and hide.

But he'll be back when more admit what they know,
or when producers offer him a show.
Then finally, to Santa Barbara court he'll go.
Poor Randy boy, poor Randy boy, they stalk you so.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

 

Technorati tags: Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing

Gadgetaholic

I never used to like that guy David Perry on KTYD 99.9.
I got annoyed from hearing his cell phone chirping all the time.
Still, I continued to listen because I enjoyed his partner Julie...
she pokes fun at David and keeps things from getting too unruly.

I recently learned he turns his phone off for funerals,
but I bet he'd still answer while visiting the urinals.
The scarier part is I find myself understanding him more...
I now play on mine for the two minutes in line at a store.

This change of heart came with the purchase of a smart phone,
I can now do blog and candle biz stuff no matter where I roam.
I was instantly addicted to carrying the Internet everywhere.
I worry friends will find my speak text feature elitist and unfair.

But, to ensure I don't miss out on further recently invented gadgets.
I'm reading blogs like Crunch Gear, Gizmodo and Engadget.
I found new multifunction office wear online at Neatorama.
The Daily What says try the edible spoon... you know I'm gonna!!

I would definitely feel cooler if my USB drive was biodegradable.
Animal shaped TVs make me wonder if my non-flat screen is tradeable.
I think a pair of laser scissors would make my craft time much more chipper,
and that tea time would be more fun if I owned a Penguin Tea Bag Dipper.

Oh no!  I think I may be addicted to snazzy gadget acquisition!
I wonder if there's an AA group for this technology addiction?
Despite my best efforts, my current cash flow simply can't afford the habit.
I knew I'd be the last gal with an in car espresso machine... dagnabit!

See, there I go again... encouraging my gadgetaholism,
instead of a more fiscally responsible mannerism.
I better get out and find myself some help... get a sponsor.
I wonder if my phone has a program for that in the hopper?

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing


This poem has been entered in One Stop Poetry's One Shot Wednesdays.  Thanks for reading!  I hope you enjoy my rhyming ways.  :o)

Blog-a-licious

Check it out! I've won my first blogging award!
This gal Pandora likes to visit me when she's bored.
She's been a fan ever since she visited my rhyme nook.
Now she's invited her followers to come take a look.
For inspirational stories that will also make you smile,
I recommend visiting Pandora's blog for a while.
If you have a blog, you should drop her a line.
She'll come check you out when she gets the time.
If you're lucky and she likes what you have to say,
perhaps she'll also crown you blogalicious some day.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010

Technorati tags: 

Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing

Greenzilla's Top 5 Green Deeds

Last night I formed a new life goal in my sleep.

Greenzo and I were performing environmental upkeep.
I was watching the show 30 Rock before bed...
I guess his message got stuck in my head.
All I know is that I now feel possessed.
I must save this world with which we were blessed.
In my dream I was a hero known publicly as Greenzilla -
who's top five green deeds save more than a scintilla.

5. I bum rides from friends as often as possible,
using auto trouble stories whenever it's plausible.
The broken down car thing works on my coworkers too.
They'll wake up early for a downtrodden member of the crew.

4. No matter where I am, if there's a thermostat,
I have to check the level to see what it's set at.
If I can get my hands on one that's set irresponsibly,
I reset it to stop it from shamelessly taunting me.

3. When I find a good deal on fluorescent light bulbs,
I buy a bunch to take to friends houses and night clubs.
I change out four to five light bulbs every time I go out,
in hopes no one notices the swap until they burn out.

2. A few times a year, if I can locate a good place,
I plant a baby tree in it's "native" open space.
The long night of digging is my best workout plan yet!
Risking a brush with the law... that I'll never regret.

1. Did you know that cows release methane when they fart?
Stopping this grotesque pollution would be more than a start.
Scientists say garlic is the key to lowering the level 50 to 90%.
I say dropping garlic in cow water troughs is money well spent!

So far Greenzilla has existed only in my dreams,
but the need for a change is more imminent than it seems.
And so, I now pledge to make Greenzilla's life a reality,
in hopes to have an effect on the American mentality.
If you too have ideas on how to make a difference,
please post them here to show your non-ignorance.
To additionally help me spread the word amongst the gluttons,
click the share via facebook, twitter or stumble upon buttons.


© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

     This poem is being shared in Poetry Potluck on Jingle Poetry.
Head there if you're a poet or just wish to read and see.  :)



Teacnorati tags:
Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing, Change, Environment, Green, Reduce, Reuse, Recycle

Bacon Wrapped Nest Keg

There are many investments in life I wish that I'd bought,
savings tips I wish that my magazine reading had taught.
But the realization I'm now having a little too late,
is that the answer was right there by my dinner plate.
In fact, one is in my entree and the other lies near...
because the investments I missed out on are bacon and beer.

I can't believe I didn't guess they'd increase in value,
it seems like something I would've figured out if I'd tried to.
I've been living on BLTs and Broccoli Salad with Bacon.
I guess those were the first two hints I should have taken.
It appears I wasn't the only person to sub bacon for beef,
nor to drink micro brewed beer for their daily stress relief.

I even know of a recently invented recipe for fried beer...
it won Texas State Fair's "most creative" prize this year.
And if I ever decide I want to mix the two flavors,
I'll refer to this post on bacon beers one blogger savors.
I even have a plan for the next time I'm feeling depressed:
giving the maple bacon donut a long overdue taste test.

But despite all the bacon and beer plans that I've had,
I didn't think to invest and it makes me real sad.
Perhaps pork belly futures are still worth the price,
maybe I could find a micro brew stock that looks nice.
You can be certain I'll be watching what goes on my plate,
trying to foresee the next investment trend before it's too late.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 All rights reserved.


This rhyme is being shared in Poetry Potluck Week #26.
Click on over to get your poetry indulgence fix.


Technorati Tags:

Entertainment, Blogs, Comedy, Funny, Opinion, Writing

Fancy Pen Users Should Not Be Trusted

This week I wandered upon a survey from 2002,
about the many types of pens we Americans use.
I also read a story about the ability to read minds,
and had a wacky brainstorm when the two ideas combined.

First came the new knowledge about the psychology of pens,
and what the quantity and color say about me and my friends.
They say female green pen users are likely to hoard...
oh my goodness, that's me... just look in my drawers!

This mini epiphany made me believe the other stats,
because things I can relate to are practically facts.
I think they're right about those erasable pen addicts;
I bet they're a bunch of Office Space fanatics.

The end of the story nailed one more fact on the head,
my chance to pen analyze my friends is already half dead.
With computers and iPhones becoming the rage,
there is much less a reason to put ink on a page.

Even more reason, I suppose, to be afraid,
of fancy pen people (even if highly paid).
Just because their job pays them more money,
doesn't mean a $200 pen is any less funny.

I admit my next reading choice was a bit of a switch,
but I think my subconscious was exploring a niche.
I felt suddenly drawn to read about studies on thought stealing,
I've always found the concept of reading minds appealing.

But, as I learned about the things they can already do,
I became more and more worried about fancy pens too.
I mean, if a special brain scan can figure out what I'm thinking,
a mood ring pen with FMRI power could be the ultimate syncing!

The color & brain wave measurers could work together,
to scrutinize your ideas anywhere you go... whenever.
What if the CIA & FBI already have such a device?
Of course they won't tell, although we pay the price.

They could be planting "magic pens" to collect info on us,
so there's definitely no fancy pen user I feel I can trust.
Those deviants should consider joining the electronic revolution,
well, at least until my hair brained ideas find another resolution.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

Grandma's Nemesis: The Shoe Tree

Last week a beloved shoe tree burned to the ground.
A wacky monument is lost and can never be found.
The funny thing is... I heard of it long ago,
but didn't think it existed - guess now I know.

It was the focus of one of grandma's favorite rants,
and involved a picnic, former friends and some ants.
Her story was that the Idaho shoe tree had begun,
'cuz her friends wanted to teach her how to have a little fun.

They were all enjoying a picnic underneath said tree,
and conversing about what it really meant to be free...
All had helped their families survive the Great Depression,
and felt they had learned a quite valuable lesson...

Though hard work was required to pay the bills,
they felt it should be rewarded with certain frills.
Grandma didn't completely agree with what they planned to do,
but knew if she objected, the friendship would be through.

In an attempt to make sure their parents couldn't refuse,
they decided whatever they wanted replaced, they should loose.
They agreed that new shoes would provide immediate comfort,
much more than could come from new pants, shirt or skirt...

The dissention began as they chose where to ditch the evidence,
'cuz grandma felt throwing shoes in a tree didn't make any sense.
Furthermore she thought the end result would be an eye sore,
and didn't want to see it every time she walked past to the store.

Somehow her friends convinced her to "have fun" just this one time,
and that this placement for their statement was actually quite prime.
The group of friends counted to three & yelled... "New shoes!!!"
then threw thiers high up in the tree, despite possible social taboos.

Unfortunately, they hadn't realized they were so close to an ant hill,
and that while they were "playing" the colony had not stood still.
Some ants were stealing their bread, cheese and meat,
and others were viciously biting their shoeless feet.

In the end, grandma had had no fun whatsoever,
and felt the shoe tree idea wasn't all that clever.
All she ever received was a "new" hand-me-down pair,
which were even more uncomfortable than the last one to wear.

She complained about that shoe tree for as long as she lived...
the silly monument / eye sore wasn't easy to forgive.
She cringed every time she walked or drove past the lake,
still angry about the "fun" risk her friends made her take.

The only joy she ever found was from hard work and money.
Having savings stored up in the bank was the only way she felt free.
If she were still alive, I bet she'd throw a party to celebrate,
sorry grandma, someone did burn it down... just a little too late.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

(This poem is being shared on Poets United's Poetry Pantry.
Visit them now if you wish to read more fantastic poetry.)

2010 World Cup Cultural Dunce Awards

I’d like to take a moment to congratulate Spain,
for being the 2010 champions of the fútbol game.
I’ve only recently begun to learn the rules and such,
and can’t say that I watch the game all that much…
but I admire their athleticism and pride for the nation,
and wish them a very memorable, elite celebration.

Perhaps now that Spain has won the cup at least once,
we can all work on not looking like a cultural dunce.
The referees have already begun to study up on foul lingo,
though it can’t be easy to learn the cuss words all 36 teams know.
Maybe they’ll never know them all, but at least they are trying…
and they do it all while legs, feet and fútbols are flying.

FIFA had plenty of time to plan each press conference,
but still were caught for a bit of translation negligence…
Apparently they confused Slovak with Slovene,
which the Slovenian team found to be a bit mean.
And the reporters had to deal with sporadic translation,
causing innocent slip-ups and some humiliation.

Even funnier are the lingual mistakes on promotional merchandise,
which can wreck the value of a souvenirs that would’ve been nice.
This year, Korea goofed up their official fan jersey,
“Korea Legend – Begin to 2010” makes no sense to me.
Then again, it could be fun to wear while out on a stroll,
and it might provide a good laugh in a funny t-shirt poll.

I certainly hope that for tournament number twenty,
FIFA will provide free translation services aplenty.
After all, it’s the world’s most widely watched game,
let's promote world peace through FIFA’s good name.
Of course, they could always promote the comedic feel,
Perhaps FIFA wants to produce a blooper reel…

Or maybe we should try having a universal language of Football,
learning to speak Socceranto could be the whole world's goal.
But we'd need to invent a bunch more words to use,
when the coaches & players do their interviews.
But who knows if FIFA is even looking to change,
they may think all options seem a bit strange.

© Rachel Hoyt 2010 - 2011

(Thank you globilization-group.com for inspiring this poem.)

Evolution of the Sandwich

The 4th Earl of Sandwich was the kind of man I admire -

stopping poker for dinner lit his temper on fire.

And so he invented a most tasty dish,

meat between bread sounded totally delish.

From that day on eating didn't interfere with his fun -

he kept his cards in the left hand, food in the right one.

I'm guessing the Earl fell in love at first bite,

and committed to eating them every single night.

These days sandwiches are revered for their size and/or flavor,

and reality TV chefs tell us where and what we should savor.

As a food channel watching, online poker playing girl,

I can't help but feel sad - we've let down the Earl.

The sandwich is now difficult to eat with one hand,

because "bigger is better" is what's in demand.

Piled high with meat, cheese, veggies and sauce,

our gambling is interrupted; the sandwich is boss.

The sandwich has been evolving for nearly three hundred years,

and many no longer gamble due to addictions and fears.

The original meat & bread concoction to me sounds quite plain,

and I feel that during poker, tasty food fuels my brain.

The Earl of Sandwich didn't experience today's online poker gurus,

who play in pajamas, watching tv, with no t-shirt or shoes.

Spilling on our computers is just a risk we must take,

nearly every time we eat while the game's not on break.

© Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.

Links to the you tube videos that helped inspire this poem:

Sesame Street: The Invention of the Sandwich

The Sandwich Song


This poem is being shared for Poetry Potluck's 25 week aniversary.
I thought my readers might enjoy seeing one of the original posts from me.