Thursday Thoughts - The Evolution of Pranks

The Quip Prank Flow

by Rachel Hoyt

 

image by Stuart Miles via freedigitalimages.net

 

A TPed house,

Or good ding and dash,

Once brought giggles

To innocent lips -

A released mouse,

Or eggcellent bash,

Induced wiggles

In fingertips.

Now pretty things -

Pink flamingos

Or yarn wrapped trees -

are the cool 'rips'.

Now prankster rings

Invent fierce foes,

For celebrities -

Give SWAT Teams tips.

What will come next?

Ghost pranks by text?

Cars with new specs?

Furniture flips?

I miss the past.

This too won't last.

Change happens fast.

Let's hope for quips.

© 2013 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.


 

 Tom Cruise and Chris Brown both got swatted recently -

a new childish prank that wastes government money.


Technorati Tags: Prank, Swatting, Celebrity, Rhyme, Poetry

 

Read more rhymes by Rachel at her column, Clickety Clack -

poetic news about Santa Barbarians talking back

Thursday Thoughts - Phantom Vibrations

Vibeadonna Syndrome

by Rachel Hoyt

 

image by chawalitpix via freedigitalphotos.net

 

Last night, I felt a phantom vibe,

Tingle my leg, tickle my hide.

It buzzed right through me all night long -

Buzz, buzz - a tweet? text? email? WRONG!

All night long, phantom vibes like gongs:

What if Susie tweeted 'bout a party?

What if Lucy's 'liking' ev'ry post by Benji?

What if Hailey Hollywood fumbled again?

What if I miss pictures of cats sexy men?

What if my friends start to think I am boring?

What if I lose part of my following?

What if I need to change my profile picture?

What if words were blabbed that deserve my stricture?

What if this phantom vibe causes a twitch?

What if it also starts to make me itch?

What if the vibes become phantom thoughts?

What if I acted on whatifs and whatnots?

What if I put my cell phone down on the shelf?

What if I try being happy, all by myself?

I believed those last wise whatifs,

And briefly felt their peaceful bliss,

'Til Tammy came to say that Shelly and Shelby,

Were breaking up on Twitter! That I had to see.

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved

 

 

Inspired by Shel Silverstein's poem, "Whatif",

an article on phantom vibrations,

and this article on the neurological benefits of talking about oneself.

 

 

Technorati Tags: Cell, Phone, Vibrate, Rhyme, Poetry

 

 

 

Read more rhymes by Rachel at her new column, Clickety Clack -

poetic news about Santa Barbarians talking back.

Thursday Thoughts - Amtrak's Business Cents

Dear Amtrak and those with railroad riding style,

Who's to blame for the demise of the dining car?

Those $9 burgers really cost you sixteen?

And you don't make it up off the drinks at the bar?

Perhaps you should try serving better cuisine.

Those $9 burgers really cost you sixteen?

I've eaten much better off the local food truck.

Perhaps you should try serving better cuisine,

Or subcontract to save a buck?

I've eaten much better off the local food truck.

Are you allowed to cook on the train?

Subcontracting might help you save a buck.

I might buy some if the food was less plain.

Are you allowed to cook on the train?

I fear a future where no food's served at all.

I might buy some if the food was less plain.

I bought those drinks to stall your downfall.

I fear a future where no food's served at all.

It can't be good for the passengers' moods.

I bought those drinks to stall your downfall.

Perhaps you just need more passengers, dudes.

It can't be good for the passengers' moods.

We need munchies to pretend we're sane.

Perhaps you just need more passengers, dudes.

Improvement ideas must exist in your brain.

We need munchies to pretend we're sane.

Make your money off drinks at the bar!

Improvement ideas must exist in your brain.

Who's to blame for the demise of the dining car?!

May your ideas flow and cash form a big pile!

Sincerely,

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.

Technorati Tags: Train, Amtrak, Dining, Rhyme, Poetry

Read more rhymes by Rachel at her new column, Clickety Clack -

poetic news about Santa Barbarians talking back.

Thursday Thoughts - The Bad in Badminton

image by J Fry via freedigitalphotos.net

Dear obsolete olympians of badminton,

I wish this note was handwritten

so you could see how NOT smitten

I am with the news that you tried to lose

(or at least set your effort level on cruise)

giving the bad in badminton new meaning,

causing the refs to do some 'house cleaning'.

I played varsity badminton years ago

and was sad to hear about this blow

to the already fragile reputation

the sport of badminton has in my nation.

Now it (sort of) is the lazy girl's tennis.

I preferred being known as a bad ass birdie menace.

Smashing birdies is not a joy that all know,

which is why all those people came to the show...

Either that, or they just want to say shuttlecock

without causing all ears around them a shock.

Why did you deprive them of reasons to cheer?

The fact you all got scolded makes me smile ear to ear.

May your respite remind you of true Olympian style!

Sincerely,

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.


Technorati Tags: Badminton, Olympics, Sports, Rhyme, Poetry


Read more rhymes by Rachel at her new column, Clickety Clack -
poetic news about Santa Barbarians talking back.

Thursday Thoughts - Foie Gras, California and Food Bans

Dear Foie Gras lovers of California,

You've probably heard, but I thought I'd warn ya,

that duck lovers (like me) have gotten their way.

Foie Gras isn't legal now, or so they say.

The law is ambiguous (such a surprise)

and restaurant enforcement mostly involves angry eyes,

but it was enough to shut down one ducky farm

where the owner claims that he does his ducks no harm.

His boast made me imagine a dream like place

where ducks got drunk and stuffed their face,

then lounged around or enjoyed a float

on a pond which never saw the likes of a boat.

I imagined corn cakes deep fried in lard

which the ducks tasted timidly, then fell for hard.

Once they had washed down that corn cake with a beer,

they knew the new tastes American ducks held dear.

Sadly, the gluttonous gorge fest I dreamt of for the ducks

wasn't the reality any farmer had created with his bucks.

You say that the science is lacking to prove the practice cruel?

Does that mean you approve of the method for which they made the rule?

I've never eaten Foie Gras and won't consider it unless you

can say the ducks in question were happy and prove it true.

Since my rational self knows the overindulged are never truly happy,

good luck proving to me that purposely fattened ducks found real glee!

May your livers stay lean and food choices gain style!

Sincerely,

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.


Technorati Tags: Duck, Foie Gras, Food, Ban, Poetry


Does getting cards in the mail make you smile?
Why not get one from me once in a while?

Thursday Thoughts - Paper, Pens and Handwriting

Image by gt_pann via freedigitalphotos.net

My fellow humans of the modern world,

When was the last time your fingers were curled

around a pen through which your thoughts were hurled

onto a blank piece of paper or a greeting card?

Was the sensation odd? Were the finger movements hard?

Had it been more than a month? Six weeks?

Do your pads of paper look like antiques?

Were you worried that your pen's ink may have gone dry?

If you got a paper cut would it make you cry?

If you fear that your handwriting

is becoming less and less inviting,

braving such fears is the only way

to get your actual writing skills to stay.

You never know when you will need the ability

to scrawl a quick note without technology.

Perhaps there will be a vast power outage

or you'll be stranded somewhere on the edge.

No fancy cell phone cover can help your phone swim the sea

if you are trapped on an island, hungry and lonely,

but a neatly scrawled S.O.S. in the sand

might attract a kind helping hand.

So be careful passing too many days

without practicing the ancient ways

to communicate via paper and pen.

You'll need it some day.  Don't ask me when.

Do you want to be average or send messages with style?

What's your choice?

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.


Read the news that inspired the rhyme here.


Technorati Tags: Writing, Paper, Pen, Handwriting, Poetry


Does getting cards in the mail make you smile?
Why not get one from me once in a while?

Thursday Thoughts - Computer Glitches and Ronald Page

image by Salvatore Vuono via freedigitalphotos.net

Dear Ronald Page of Detroit,

I hear you had quite an exploit

because one ATM functioned quite maladroit.

One might wonder if it was programmed to fail

at discerning who's a buffoon and who's a whale

though it need only check one basic fact:

is this account cash empty or packed?

I never thought I'd live to see a crime

that resembled that "pennies for everyone" line

that Peter Gibbons used in Office Space

to justify the great big smile on his face

caused by a purposeful computer glitch

which succeeded, though with a small hitch.

When you realized you could continue withdrawing

cash despite a negative balance (quite appalling)

did you think that it must be "cash for free day"?

A special, one time gift to gamble away?

That fate had finally sent your reward

so during retirement you wouldn't be bored?

I know we all thought those government bailouts

would eventually help the people's worries and pouts,

but I don't think that the government intended

for lending practices to be quite this amended

or for one guy to get 1.5 million for free

while nothing trickles down to the masses (and me).

And, call me crazy, but I think every human knows

if they can afford to use dollars to blow their nose.

So, who is the Milton in this wacky scenario

helping lessen your time in jail (if you go)?

Did you steal his coveted Swingline

stapler which makes days more sublime?

I can't imagine another good reason why

anyone would defend your silent outcry

for a more lavish retirement fund...

but the prosecution did.  I'm stunned!

Then again, there's no chance for restitution

if you're in jail or a mental institution...

So much for retiring in style!

Good luck!

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt.  All rights reserved.


Read the news that inspired the rhyme here.


Technorati Tags: Gambling, ATM, Humor, Rhyme, Poetry

Thursday Thoughts - Turtle Marriage is Tough Too

Tortoise Photo by Michael Elliott via freedigitalphotos.net

Dear turtley frustrated Bibi and Poldi,

I was saddened to hear that your wedding bliss has turned moldy

and that you're demanding that your future days be lived solely

for thine own pleasure with plenty of private space to treasure

because your marriage has evolved into boring, mundane leisure.

I know you've already endured bits of counseling

and feel your desires have little to no chance of bouncing

back to the early days when your skin glowed

and your love for one another proudly showed...

Yet I can't help but wonder if a reconstructed environment

could somehow help you begin to invent

a new life where you aren't completely alone

and are both happy to call your home?

Perhaps an architect and expert in fung shui

would be the type to guide the way.

What you need is a space that feels totally new,

has space for twosome time and some for just you.

Maybe adopting a "child" would give your relationship new purpose
like the pigs loved by a tiger or the hippo who is friends with a tortoise?
We all need a drastic change of pace sometimes,
but ditching friends and loved ones is like trading lemons for limes.

Turtley sour times shall pass if you're patient a while.

Take care,

Rachel Hoyt
of Rhyme Me a Smile


© 2012 Rachel Hoyt. All rights reserved.


Technorati Tags: Divorce, Tortoise, Rhyme, Humor, Turtle, Poetry


For more turtle and tortoise news, be sure to visit my other blog: Pokey's Pals.


If you want to read more of my rhymes
based on comments found online,
visit my column at the Santa Barbara Independent sometime.

Thursday Thoughts - Urinals, Games and Advertising

London Bar Debuts Urinal Video Games

Esteemed urinal designers of the world,

Such crazy creations you've recently unfurled!

Games and peeing are officially swirled

into one enjoyable activity

which was already fun enough (if you ask me).

Many bring cell phones into the stall,

which germaphobes totally, completely appal.

Why not help standing men pass the time

while they stand erect and pee in line?

It's nice to imagine men emerging proud

and stating their high score out loud

then high fiving bro's for hitting the mark,

but how long 'til they see who's the best in the dark?

A guitar hero imitator played with men's pee?

That is not a rock concert I'm dying to see.

How can one avoid creating over spray

when spraying a "guitar" in order to play?

While the diagnostic urinal sounds quite helpful

I can foresee many issues with which you would wrestle.

Men would likely trust what the little box said

though the sample's not sterile enough to be read.

It seems like you want to sell lame advertising,

interrupt our solitude and cause an uprising.

Women will revolt if the mess gets messier

and men will destroy ads yelling, "Wi, wi Miseur!"

Good luck with your plans to change men's peeing style!

Sincerely,

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

Thursday Thoughts - the FDA, GRAS and Meat Glue

image by piyato via freedigitalphotos.net

Fine folks of the FDA,

I've got a few things I need to say

about a fact I learned the other day.

You approved the use of meat glue?

Well, to be precise, they notified you

and you accepted their research as true

and enough to see what it would do

if you allowed Transglutaminase

to work it's magical ways

on processed meats and seafood

without really telling us.  (How rude.)

I'm sure it would have been rough to write

a press release that sounded just right...

"We generally accept it as safe for you to eat

pieces of glued together scrap-mignon meat."

... but hearing the truth would've been neat.

I've worked in restaurants and catering

doing the "serve people for tips" thing,

but have never, ever heard anything

about this way to make meat scraps cling.

Your food safety tactics there seem quite crazy.

Or perhaps it's that you're understaffed and/or lazy?

I feel like the FDA's purpose is hazy.

Aren't we the ones who you should protect?

This notification process you use seems derelict,

like the ones thoroughly checked are random picked

or chosen due to a food scare or outbreak,

saying that's a risk they can take

with this weird thing that they make.

I suppose I should be thanking you for helping wreck beef.

For me, craving ruminants less will be a relief.

The issue now is avoiding strange GRAS listed food,

the thought of which brings out my super sour mood.

I've heard of, "The more you spend, the more you save!"

It's the motto that makes luxury bargain shoppers cave.

I hope yours isn't, "This looks fun to try out for a while."

Is that really the mark of your signature style?

Please ponder what the heck you've allowed in our food piles.

Thank you,

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

Thursday Thoughts - Earth Day, Methane and Farts

Image by Simon Howden via freedigitalphotos.net

Dear Fred and Schaub's Family,

This year for Earth Day I'm committing to a big step.

I've been ruminating 'bout ruminants and the gasses they schlep

through our ozone layer, depleting it's strength,

and possibly shortening the planet (and our) life's length.

I feel I need to make a much bigger effort

to avoid need for animals that don't mean to hurt

but fart and burp too much methane to be good.

Avoid ruminants I can, will and should.

I will buy hardly any yarn or things made of wool,

even though their textures are fuzzy and look cool.

I will continue to avoid buying excessive leather

and their plastic-y counterpart we call pleather.

I will continue not eating deer, giraffe and goats

and try to stop dreaming of petting their soft throats.

For every way I've encouraged ruminant burps and farts

I will change my methods in big ways but keep small parts.

I will greatly cut back on my beef consumption

but keep helping with the milk under the presumption

that most of the biggest beef lovers I know don't,

and even if milk mustaches are cool again, won't.

For the occasional beef splurge, I will seek greatness.

(Fred, this is where you can help.  Pardon my get-to-the-point lateness.)

I've heard that feeding cows garlic can help a lot

and think that would taste much better than what we've now got.

I think we should go beyond garlic and try to breed

Fred's special Black Steak recipe through the food we feed

a specially selected group of epicurean cows

that can help us see the benefits of healthier chow.

Fred, I know your recipe is a secret, but perhaps there is

a magic price for selling or a new branch for the family biz...

I just don't think I can give up eating steak completely

because eating yours annually makes my life taste sweetly.

At the very least, please file this in your "maybe I'll do this someday" file.

Happy Earth Day!

Rachel Hoyt

of Rhyme Me a Smile

© 2012 Rachel Hoyt.  All rights reserved.

Technorati Tags: Earth Day, Cows, Ruminant, Fart, Methane, Poem, Letter, Steak

Thursday Thoughts: Valentine's Day is Just Days Away

A Purrfect Valentine's Day

I've been single for many a Valentine's Day

and still find it a hard time to know what to say

when the question starts to echo in my brain,

that horrible one that can drive a gal insane,

"Why aren't you dating anyone?

What happened with that last one?"

This incessant brain chatter inevitably leads

to a see if anything online could fulfill my needs.

I'm told the options are constantly expanding

to keep up with what the public is demanding.

I peeked early this year at what's new and exciting,

but didn't really find anything intriguing or inviting.

I tried to learn new pick up lines through my phone,

in case I see any handsome foreign men all alone,

but learning to say "I like you" in four languages,

is proving harder than driving while making sandwiches.

I can do Spanish because I learned it years ago,

but learning a third, fourth and fifth?  I don't know.

I found one truly fascinating new "dating" website

which I bet lots of Icelanders are searching tonight

to make sure that cute girl or guy they just met

isn't a familial relation that could cause regret.

(The same families have bred on that island for years.

This digital genealogy tree should help prevent our fears.)

Yet, my favorite thing I learned wasn't really about dating.

In fact, it could in a way prevent some future mating.

You see, I learned my cat's purr has super healing power,

and since she likes to cuddle with me hour after hour,

I'm now not quite so sad to spend V-Day with her,

because who hasn't once wished their Valentine could purr!

© 2012 - All Rights Reserved - Rachel Hoyt

Technorati Tags: Valentine, Dating, Rhyme, Humor, News, Poetry